Navigating dating and intimacy after ostomy surgery can feel overwhelming. In this blog, Hannah Martin-Spencer, BKin, shares personal insights, partner perspectives, and practical tips to help you feel confident and less alone.

I was 20 years old when I decided to get ostomy surgery. At the time, there was nothing on my mind except getting home and getting back to living my life. I didn’t even consider what dating or intimacy might look like, or how I would feel about that when it would inevitably come up in the future. I wasn’t focused on a theoretical future partner who might have concerns or turn me down because of my life-saving medical device. I realize that this is not the same experience for everyone, and it is the first thing on the minds of many when they are told they need surgery. Whether there are concerns because you are already with a life partner and you are worried how things might change, or because you don’t know if you’ll ever be able to be with someone again, I want to use this space to share tips and stories to help you feel less alone.

In my personal life, I know over 10 people who have an ostomy and are in successful relationships. My own mother is married with two kids and living with a j-pouch. I have also been in a relationship for four of the five years that I have had my ostomy.

Here are some quotes from partners of ostomates:

“When I first found out, I was just curious what it was. I never considered anything negative. It was simply a fact about the person I was interested in. I liked her for so many reasons, and finding out about the ostomy didn’t change that.” (Luca, 25, partner of an ileostomy patient)

“Having a j-pouch and experiencing symptoms like urgency or needing to take extra bathroom stops on a road trip is not something I ever have to go through, so I can’t imagine it, but I can empathize with it. It’s completely out of her control. It’s not her fault, and it doesn’t change her worth. It makes no difference to me, and I love her with it and with any other health issues.” (Stephen, 55, partner of a j-pouch patient)

“I remember him saying that he wanted to tell me something. I was so nervous. But then he told me about his medical struggles and how he ended up needing a colostomy bag. I was relieved that was the only thing he had to tell me, haha. Initially, I was surprised because I had no idea at all. But it’s never changed anything about our dating life.” (Anonymous, 32, partner of a colostomy patient)

Navigating life after ostomy surgery can definitely be a challenge, and it is completely normal to feel unsure or anxious about returning to dating and intimacy after recovery. Having stoma surgery can have a big impact on mental health, body image, and confidence, which can all play a role in navigating dating life and intimacy. However, sex, intimacy, and dating are all important parts of life, and having surgery should not put an end to any of it. We all deserve to feel fulfilled in this area.

Here is a quick recap of tips from a previous e-newsletter article for dating and intimacy:

For the first date:

• Choose somewhere or something that you are familiar or comfortable with. This will help ease anxiety in general. If you are going to a restaurant, look at the menu ahead of time so you know what options are available.
• Wear something you feel confident and comfortable in. This will help ease anxiety and allow you to focus on the experience rather than your outfit or ostomy.
• Be yourself. You may have an ostomy, but that is certainly not the most interesting thing about you.

For the bedroom:

• Empty your pouch beforehand to feel more comfortable and secure.
• Wear an ostomy pouch cover, support belt, or ostomy-specific lingerie if it makes you more comfortable and confident. You could also consider a mini pouch for the occasion if that is more your style.
• Everybody heals differently and at different times. Ensure that your body has fully healed after surgery before engaging in sexual activity, and discuss any potential risks or concerns with your physician.

If you are a caregiver or partner of someone with an ostomy, here are some general tips to help you both feel more comfortable:

• Trust and communication are key. If there is something you are nervous about or you are unsure how to support your partner, ask.
• Be open to talking with your partner and listening to their thoughts, feelings, or concerns. Sometimes all it takes is being a safe place for them to land.
• Be patient. You may feel ready for intimacy before your partner, but this doesn’t mean they will never be ready.
• Begin rebuilding intimacy through cuddling or touch to gain trust. Try different positions in bed if either of you feel uncomfortable in your usual ones.

Finally, in the spirit of Valentine’s Day, I would like to leave you with a poem I wrote last year:

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By Hannah Martin-Spencer, BKin, Ostomy Canada Marketing Team.